Go Bananas!
by hairymclary
Summary: A food fight when Sirius Black is late for dinner has some unexpected results... SLASH RemusxSirius, Remus Lupin..Banana. Oneshot. T for implied slash and mild language.


Go Bananas

**Warning: Remus/Sirius, Remus/Bananas, mild language at end.  
Disclaimer: Do I even own the banana?**

Sirius was late for dinner: a total miracle, as Remus, Peter and James all agreed.

Twenty-eight minutes later, they stopped marvelling at the miracle and lost patience.

"Where is he, anyway?" James wondered, squinting between two Ravenclaws to get a clear shot at the Slytherin table. "Almost there…" he mumbled, "…_right!"_

An orange leapt out of the fruit bowl on the Slytherin table and hurled itself at the seventh year, Lucius Malfoy. It exploded.

Lucius' orange-spattered head shot up immediately, and his narrow, unblinking eyes swept across the Great Hall, searching for the criminal. His gaze slid over the marauders, who were innocently eating spaghetti, jam and tomato sauce from the same dish, and settled on the disreputable and disliked Severus Snape.

His eyes narrowed still further.

The marauders squinted, eagerly.

Severus turned a page of his book, _Advanced Potion Theory_.

Lucius picked up a jug of pumpkin juice.

Peter absently swallowed a spoonful of the Sweet and Salty Spaghetti Sauce.

Lucius took aim.

James pushed his glasses up his nose.

One of the two Ravenclaws shifted slightly, blocking the three boys' view. They let out a loud groan.

By the time they could see again, the jug had mutated into an all-out food fight, with random edible missiles ending up at the Hufflepuff table and, inevitably, involving the famously honest and fair pupils.

"Fair enough," muttered James, and flung a salt cellar at Maria Glenfield, a Ravenclaw he knew. She retaliated, accidentally hitting Peter, who responded by lassoing her glasses was a particularly long string of jam-covered spaghetti.

"I wonder what McGonagall thinks of this," Remus murmured, flicking grapes at Lily Evans, a Gryffindor with whom James was smitten.

What the Transfiguration teacher thought was very clear from her expression: she was _furious!_ On the other hand, the headmaster and the Potions master, Professors Dumbledore and Slughorn, were very amused, Slughorn even going as far as throwing a freshly buttered slice of bread at McGonagall. It landed in her hair, buttered side down, and sat as a jaunty substitute for her hat.

At this point, Sirius decided to make his appearance.

He had found a new secret passageway leading to Hogsmeade, which he thought of as a perfectly plausible reason for being late for dinner, especially since he had found himself in the cellar of the sweetshop. He hadn't known of his friends' plans to start an immense food fight, or he might have arrived sooner. Either that, or he'd have eaten more.

However he arrived at exactly the right moment to be attacked by two of the many spells that were now ricocheting around the Great Hall. One was a bluish-grey colour and the other was the deep shade of pink that his present girlfriend used for her lipstick. Of course, he wasn't expecting what happened next.

The banana picked itself up and scowled. Why did these things always happen to _him?_ Why couldn't they happen to James or Peter instead? Or even Remus?

Remus… now there was a character. As the banana avoided demented spells and made its way across the now gigantic Great Hall, its thoughts turned to the werewolf. He was amazing.

The banana wondered whether it was a gay banana. Did it love Remus? It was perfectly plausible.

Finally, the banana collapsed on the Gryffindor table. "Hello… everyone," it panted.

Its three friends looked at it.

"Eh?" said the black-haired friend.

The blond one squinted at it. "Is it just me, or is that a _banana_?"

The brown-haired one bent down towards the banana. "Um… it looks familiar, somehow…"

The banana looked back. _What the hell,_ it thought, and launched itself down Remus' throat.

_I've always wanted to do that, _thought the banana in satisfaction as it was pulled out of Remus' mouth. Remus' eyes were bulging in shock and recognition.

"_Sirius!"_

**AN: Read, review, thankyou. :)**


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